So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
