So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The Olympian is in my bed
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
