if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
