She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
