You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
