I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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