It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
