I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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