did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
