im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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