tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
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