Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
