Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize