you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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