He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
