I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just googled if crying burns calories
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
