My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
