i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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