Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
