Someone shit on the floor
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
