Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
