I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
