i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
