Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
