so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
