I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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