After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
