so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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