So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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