I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
