I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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