i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
