yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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