Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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