Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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