you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
