obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
