just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
