woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
