I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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