he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
