I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
