# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
