He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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