I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
