My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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