the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Your cock deserves a montage
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
