I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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