So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
