where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
